1. Roses

Warning: Sharp. May also cause pause and retrospection.

2. Bees, wasps & hornets 

Warning: Also sharp and very mobile, they will work in groups and some may even produce honey.

Diabetics beware. 

3. Disney Movies 

Warning: These films contain crack-level addicting tunes, runaway trains of plotless sequels and they seldom include a mother figure. 

4. Underbrush in every living forest in the world

Warning: Underbrush is a probable source of fire, and may also contain rattlesnakes. Shudder.

5. Lightning

Warning: The wrath of God can cause fire, electrocution, and epiphany. Watch out for this flashy sky night-light. 

6. Rain 

Warning: Rain hazards include flooding, drowning, and wiping out the impure as well as the Giants. 

It may also result in rainbows as a reminder of God’s eternal promise not to Genesis 6 humanity again—with a flood anyway.

7. Dobermans 

Warning: Dobies contain possible death by cuteness. They also have the tendency to be velcro-dogs and use their velvety snouts to push you right out of bed in the middle of the night. THUMP.  

8. Golf

Warning: The predictable unpredictability of the game of golf can cause acute psychosis, and also lead golfers into temptation and to commit the sins of drunkenness, envy & deceit. 

“Hey Roy, I made birdies on the last 9 holes! Never even lost a ball, it was the darndest thing! Have you seen the drink-cart gal? Beers empty again.” - Jerry, six Coors in swinging his lucky putter 

9. Elevators

Warning: Heart attacks are possible for claustrophobics and mainly sensible people that just don't like feeling trapped inside a dangling metal box. 

Elevators can also cause an unnatural urge to reenact scenes from “Die Hard”, so watch out for that.  

10. Ice

Warning: It is extremly slippery and can cause auto-accidents and broken hips—and thoughts of Val Kilmer. 

“You’re dangerous.” - Iceman, Top Gun

11. Paring knives

Warning: This little knife is sharp like a scalpel and hooked like a velociraptor claw. A lot could go wrong with these, so be careful!

12. Grandmas

Warning: These kind old broads (no, not Debbie Reynolds) tend to over feed EVERYONE. They’re also known to spoil grand-babies and give love unconditionally.

Use extra caution around handmade wool sweaters because they may result in suffocation. 

“Do ya want seconds on the pot roast, dear? You’re looking too skinny.” - Grandma Marge, delicately cradling the crock pot ladle

13. Ponies

Warning: All around expensive, preening, jerks that bite and kick. They’re soulless and smelly. You can also order horse trailer stickers to illustrate these facts.

14. White beach sand

Warning: It, like, gets EVERYWHERE.  Sand is not suitable for building a house upon. Avoid sand.

15. Little League Baseball

Warning: Participation in sports can result in competitive young lads, produce team-working skills and instill no-quitter attitudes. 

It may also cause concussions, broken bones and hurt feelings. Whaa!

16. Backyard swing sets

Warning: Feelings of weightless delight may result in accidental head injuries, lost flip-flops and painful splinters.

17. Ted Talks

So. Much. Evil.

18. Makeup

Warning: Makeup creates a false sense of beauty, pigment, eyelashes and contour. Love yourself the way you are!

19. Ball-point pens

Warning: Pens are often used to write Dear John Letters, sign divorce papers and put eyes out. Sigh, nothing is safe anymore.

20. Air

Warning: Air sometimes creates tornadoes, messy hair and can also explode car tires. Always use air with extreme caution.

21. Sunfish

Warning: These are tasty, yet deceptive, yellow-bellied fish that often result in confusion and swearing. 

“That totally felt like a bass! Dang-nabbit!” - Every fisherman at least 100 times in their life

22. Homemade maple syrup

Warning: The tree tapping process is a total time waster that teaches you about patience and hard-work. 

Sugary syrup can also be a problem for diabetics. 

23. Play-off hockey

Warning: The run to the Cup can cause high-blood pressure, violence, loss of feeling in the face and result in spendy marriage counseling. 

“I just don’t know what happened, counselor. I mentioned something about liking my new black socks and he thought I said that I liked the Blackhawks. Then all heck broke loose!” - Cynthia, a very upset suburban housewife

24. The 1828 Merriam-Webster Dictionary of the English Language

Warning: When people learn the real meanings of words, they could rise up in angry Revolutionary War style revolts—1776! 

Tea is temporary; words are eternal.

25. Kittens

Warning: Kittens have sharp claws and even sharper minds—do not underestimate them.

“Mee-ow?” - Pantera, the Hellcat

 

Now it’s your turn to boldly go where no one has spread warning labels before!

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